Friendship Blues

No matter how I cut it, I still have low confidence when it comes to my friendships. But why? It doesn't make sense! I know that I have friends, I know that I am well-liked. So why do I feel so insecure sometimes?

If I get left out of something, I take it personally. I know I shouldn't. I know that sometimes people just forget you. But it still hurts me. Sometimes I feel too much and feel too strongly and it doesn't jibe with the way the rest of the world works.

I lost almost all of my university friends when I broke up with my university boyfriend after I graduated. That was incredibly hard to deal with, but I moved on. I've grown further and further away from my teacher's college friends who I thought I had the strongest connections with. They seem to all remain friends while I am on the outskirts because I lived in England and missed some cottage weekends because of it. Or maybe they just don't like me and I did something to offend them. OR MAYBE IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD.

I've grown further apart from my best friend over the past year. It seems like since we've come home from living abroad, we don't have as much in common. I like to be social, she prefers to stay home. I'm single, she's in a committed relationship with plans of marriage and babies in her future. I'm just trying to learn how to move out of my parents place!

I guess I just miss having a strong group of friends. My time in teacher's college was amazing because I finally found a group of people that I got along with and had the same mentality/interests as I did. Then in England, I had a strong best-friend-forever relationship because we were all we had. Now I don't have those friendships. Sure, I have friends, but it feels like no one is on the same page as me. Everyone wants marriage and babies and no one wants to travel anymore.

I guess I'm in a self-pitying mood today. I stumbled back on this old blog and decided to post something. At least I'm not as upset about Dr. X anymore, nor am I on any medications right now. Those are things that have improved.

I wish there was a POF for just finding new friends.

A year?

I've been thinking about this a lot the past week. It's been over a year since I started fixing myself again and right now I'm pretty discouraged. It feels like I haven't done anything! I am still living at home, still partially employees with the school board but not actually teaching, and single (granted that last one I don't really care too much about changing).

These negative thoughts are emphasized as my sister prepares to travel Africa (jealous!), one of my best friends prepares to propose to his gf (happy but why is he growing up without me), and how I cant find a friend to move out with next fall bc everyone already has!

Gah!

But, those are the negative thoughts and I need to remind myself of the progress I've made and not think so "disastrously" as my therapist used to say.

So, here's a list of how things are different / better right now:

1. paid off my Student Loan. Now the money I make is actually MINE (well...after I pay my parents back for some dental work I had last fall)

2. Stopped going to Therapy. I haven't felt the need to go see my therapist an talk about things because nothing has seemed as insurmountable as it did before. Even though I'm still on meds, I am also trying light therapy to help with my downs. Big improvement.

3. My family is healthy. I am so grateful to have them.

4. We got a PUPPY. My parents bought a new dog: a border collie/Australian Shepard/ scotch collie mix name Lucy. I am already hopelessly in love with her ad since I don't work much, I am her favourite bc I'm always around!

5. I will be back to WCC in the summer, trip unknown right now. I'm also going to a music festival put on by Mumford and sons in August. So I do have some things to look forward to.

It's just frustrating because sometimes these positive things seem so much more insignificant than my negative ones. However if you do compare me to last year, I am a helluva lot better.

He cut the cord.

Well. He did it first. He deleted me off facebook and put the final nail in the history that was us. He changed his profile picture and cover picture to him and his new girlfriend (honestly, who puts it as BOTH pictures, ugh). I had a massive panic, crying attack when it happened. My neck started to get warm, my breath increased, but I still couldnt' stop looking at it. At how happy he was now.

I wasn't as upset with the actual act of him deleting me as I thought I would be. It was more along the vein of anger... in that he had moved on, was happy and didn't give two shits about me. AND I DIDN"T DO IT FIRST. I am KICKING myself for not sending that email to him and deleting him first. Like always, he has the power in this relationship.... even when it is no longer a relationship.

So, I decided to modify my email and send it to him anyways. I needed to say SOMETHING.Problem was.... the emails I had for him are no longer in USE. WTF. So instead, I had to choose the LOWEST form of communication... facebook message.... even though he had deleted me, I could still send him a message. This is what I wrote:

It has been a very long time since we last talked. That has not been because I haven't wanted to, but because I know that distance is better for healing and since so much time had passed, I didn't know where to begin. I wanted to send this in an email, but I do not have your current email address. I apologize for the lack of class that facebook messenger has. 

A part of my heart still belongs to you and always will. We fell in love quickly and with unfortunate timing. I am past the stage of wanting and needing to know why we broke up. That upset me for a very long time because I couldn't understand it. All I know is that it hurt me seeing things on facebook about you moving on. I don't fault you for any of those things, it just re-opens my wounds every time I see them. 

You promised you wouldn't delete me off facebook without letting me know, but I understand you probably did it because you felt enough time had passed and you have a new relationship. To give you the benefit of the doubt, perhaps it was because you didn't want to hurt me anymore. You had the guts to do something that I had been trying to do for a long time now (I've literally had this email in draft form for a couple of months now).

Maybe someday we could talk again, I want to be happy for you instead of hurt and bitter. Jealousy was never a good colour on me. I really truly hope that sometime I too, can move on like you have.
I hope you are doing well.
- Susan
P.S. I know that you once got a letter in the past from an ex-girlfriend and got angry by it. I needed to send this letter a long time ago to help with my closure but kept putting it off. I don't expect anything from you by sending this, I just hope that you read it.

Turns out because of FB messenger, I saw that he "read it". I really wish I didn't know that he read it and then chose not to respond. Fuck. I hate hate hate how awful I feel right now. Almost a year later, you'd think I would have been better by now. 

Losing direction

I hate not knowing what I will be doing with my life. Everything seems hazy and unsure. Do I keep trying to get a teaching job in Toronto? Do I follow my passion for travel and actually take the big leap of moving to Australia by myself "sometime next year"? How would I pay for it? Will it just make my return that much harder? I already took two years off in England and when I came back, I had to live with my parents... I am two years behind financially than all my peers. So is moving abroad again just going to continue this tend? I just dont feel like i love what i am doing right now. When i travel, I love that. I feel alive. But right now, I feel like I've lost my direction.

Sincerely yours,
my fucked up lying in bed thoughts.

Little steps

Little steps lead to bigger strides which lead to leaps and bounds farther than you thought you could ever come.

I have not deleted Dr X off Facebook yet nor have I sent him that message. But I am okay with that right now.

I had a minor setback one night on his birthday (where was I a year ago? Celebrating his birthday with him in Nova Scotia) but it lasted a night, not a whole day. That is a baby step that I am proud of.

Another step I am proud of is that I have been seeing my therapist on a bi monthly instead of weekly basis. When I suggested this to her, she said she was happy when patients suggest that because it shows they are improving.

I am also slowly decreasing my meds to half a pill instead of a full one in hopes that I can decrease even more as time goes on. I had to go really slow for the first bit because I was starting to feel upset again, but I think I've evened out now. I'll stay on the .5 for about a month and then see how I'm doing.

Another step is becoming more involved in extra curriculars. I volunteered for the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) and it kept me super busy. I would have loved volunteering with someone I knew but it did force me to talk to new people and while I didn't make any long term friends, it was really nice to meet people with similar film interests (none of my current circle of friends really care at all about cinema). I am going to try and continue volunteering there during the rest of the year. Maybe I could look into a film study group?

Dr X; the fact that I still live at home; don't have a full time job in my career; and am not enjoying being single (I wish I could just enjoy it and date people!) are always in my mind.... But these steps I am taking will hopefully lead to those bigger strides.

His Ghost

Holy Shit. Nail on the fuckin head. "You Don't Miss Him. You Miss The Idea of Who You Wanted Him To Be" http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2012/08/08/you-dont-miss-him/

I just read this article and it echos what I think. I talked to my therapist last night about how hard it seems for me to replace Dr X. She suggested that I need to replace him with somoene new, that I'm at the point where I should start dating, or at least casually looking around to. But I. am. terrified.

Terrifed of two things: One is that I will get hurt again. Hurt badly. It took me so long / still is taking me forever to get over Dr. X. Its so hard to be confident in myself and take a risk. The second thing is: I'm terrifed that no one will match up to Dr X in my head. No one will look as attractive as he did (his hair, his smile, his build) nor have a personality that makes me swoon (made me feel like I was the only person in the world, made me laugh, etc).

Now the first thing, will just take time. I have to get over my fear eventually. I have to take BABY steps. I want to meet new people, new guys, but I am terrifed of dating anyone.I don't want things to be serious right away, but I over think things and tend to be a serious person. How do I date someone without going crazy or overthinknig something!? I don't want to hurt that person by not being serious... I am equally afraid of hurting someone else like Dr. X hurt me.

The second thing, well.... like Yashir's article said: He's a ghost.

Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.

I have to remind myself of the hurt. Of why yes, he had positive qualities, but he also had a lot of negative ones. He was passionate about his work (yay! And its NOT a job involving business or finance and he makes a difference in other peoples lives) yet he chose his work over me time and time again (moving to Nova Scotia; forgetting to call me; stressing out). He seemed dependable (I could call him when I was upset) yet he cheated on his first girlfriend with me...  He was hilarious yet his laugh was kinda annoying at points. All these things, I tend to focus on the good things as opposed to the bad...

I'm not there yet. It's taking baby steps, slower than I would have hoped... But at least I'm acknowledging I do this, now.

Facebook, the devil.

 I saw on his facebook that he is in a new relationship and it re-opened everything. I think I am almost at the point where I will delete him. I know that everyone says I should have deleted him earlier but I wasn't able to... yet. I will get there. If I am truthfully honest, I wanted to keep him as a friend so that he could see that I was having fun and he would get jealous and want me back. That he could see what he was missing. But it backfired on me and instead, that is what I saw on his page.

Here is my potential letter to him if I decide to delete him off facebook. I don't want to just delete him without saying anything.....

It has been almost six months since we last talked. That has not been because I haven't wanted to, but because I knew you didn't want me to.

I am past the stage of wanting and needing to know why. Of trying to figure out how I could have changed things, how if I had tried harder and not been so jealous, or of why you didn't love me anymore.

A huge part of my heart still belongs to you and always will. We fell in love quickly and with unfortunate timing. But despite everything, I still love you and always will. As cheesy as this may sound, but if somewhere in our futures we meet again, maybe it will be right then.

All I know is that it is killing me seeing things on facebook about you moving on. Getting a new job in Halifax when you were so adamant about not leaving the one you had in the fall. Getting into a new relationship when I am still trying to imagine you not in my life. I don't fault you for any of those things, it just re opens my wounds every time I see them. So right now in order to help me heal, I am going to have to delete you off facebook. I didn't want to just delete you and be done with it. I don't think you deserve that. I hope that in a few more months, I can re-add you. That it won't hurt as much to see you in a new relationship or with pictures of her or whatever. I really truly hope that I can get to the spot you are at. Where you don't think of me or seem upset about us at all and have moved on.

I love you and hope you are doing well.