Sunday, April 1, 2012

Kick in the throat

I have been doing much better. I got a haircut, my meds are working, I've started a new jobs, make more plans with my friends, and even developing (dare I say it) a little crush on someone. Then BAM! My throat swells up, my heart beat races and I feel like I did back in December. For me, panic attacks don't just pounce. They creep up quickly. They start with my body tensing up. Then I begin to hold my breath. Then my pulse races. Then I panic and it seems that I can't calm down. Then the tears come. Hard, fast, intense.

I looked on Dr. X's facebook. Yes, I still have him on there. Even though I have blocked him so that he doesn't pop up in chat or on my newsfeed, I know that it is just self-inflicted torture to keep him on there. However, I just don't feel like I'm strong enough to delete him totally from my life. I will get there and I am getting there... just not yet. I haven't really been upset about him for a few weeks now, so I thought I was in the clear.

Then today I saw that he has a new page advertising his new chiropractic clinic. Well... great for him. Then I see that it is not in the small town that he was originally working in but in a city. Wait, what?

Dr. X has been canvassing this small town clinic for four years before he graduated. He made connections and was guaranteed a job there when he graduated. THAT was the reason why he left Ontario he said. That was the reason why he did not pursue a job where I was living. When I was debating moving to his province, he said that even if I moved there, I wanted to live in the city while he worked/lived in the country and ti would still be long distance and hard. ...BUT NOW HE MOVED TO THE CITY ANYWAYS.

I feel like someone punched me in the throat when I saw that. He didn't even stay at that small town clinic for more than six months after he started. Its just more evidence that I wasn't that important, that he really was all talk and no action. He said he HAD to stay in that small town.... but if he left less than six months later, clearly it wasn't THAT imperative that he stay there. He could have come back to Toronto. He could have made more of an effort to be with me.

It fucking still hurts. I thought I was getting so much better and it STILL FUCKING hurts.
Hyper Smash