Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Losing direction

I hate not knowing what I will be doing with my life. Everything seems hazy and unsure. Do I keep trying to get a teaching job in Toronto? Do I follow my passion for travel and actually take the big leap of moving to Australia by myself "sometime next year"? How would I pay for it? Will it just make my return that much harder? I already took two years off in England and when I came back, I had to live with my parents... I am two years behind financially than all my peers. So is moving abroad again just going to continue this tend? I just dont feel like i love what i am doing right now. When i travel, I love that. I feel alive. But right now, I feel like I've lost my direction.

Sincerely yours,
my fucked up lying in bed thoughts.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Little steps

Little steps lead to bigger strides which lead to leaps and bounds farther than you thought you could ever come.

I have not deleted Dr X off Facebook yet nor have I sent him that message. But I am okay with that right now.

I had a minor setback one night on his birthday (where was I a year ago? Celebrating his birthday with him in Nova Scotia) but it lasted a night, not a whole day. That is a baby step that I am proud of.

Another step I am proud of is that I have been seeing my therapist on a bi monthly instead of weekly basis. When I suggested this to her, she said she was happy when patients suggest that because it shows they are improving.

I am also slowly decreasing my meds to half a pill instead of a full one in hopes that I can decrease even more as time goes on. I had to go really slow for the first bit because I was starting to feel upset again, but I think I've evened out now. I'll stay on the .5 for about a month and then see how I'm doing.

Another step is becoming more involved in extra curriculars. I volunteered for the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) and it kept me super busy. I would have loved volunteering with someone I knew but it did force me to talk to new people and while I didn't make any long term friends, it was really nice to meet people with similar film interests (none of my current circle of friends really care at all about cinema). I am going to try and continue volunteering there during the rest of the year. Maybe I could look into a film study group?

Dr X; the fact that I still live at home; don't have a full time job in my career; and am not enjoying being single (I wish I could just enjoy it and date people!) are always in my mind.... But these steps I am taking will hopefully lead to those bigger strides.
Hyper Smash