Sunday, November 4, 2012

He cut the cord.

Well. He did it first. He deleted me off facebook and put the final nail in the history that was us. He changed his profile picture and cover picture to him and his new girlfriend (honestly, who puts it as BOTH pictures, ugh). I had a massive panic, crying attack when it happened. My neck started to get warm, my breath increased, but I still couldnt' stop looking at it. At how happy he was now.

I wasn't as upset with the actual act of him deleting me as I thought I would be. It was more along the vein of anger... in that he had moved on, was happy and didn't give two shits about me. AND I DIDN"T DO IT FIRST. I am KICKING myself for not sending that email to him and deleting him first. Like always, he has the power in this relationship.... even when it is no longer a relationship.

So, I decided to modify my email and send it to him anyways. I needed to say SOMETHING.Problem was.... the emails I had for him are no longer in USE. WTF. So instead, I had to choose the LOWEST form of communication... facebook message.... even though he had deleted me, I could still send him a message. This is what I wrote:

It has been a very long time since we last talked. That has not been because I haven't wanted to, but because I know that distance is better for healing and since so much time had passed, I didn't know where to begin. I wanted to send this in an email, but I do not have your current email address. I apologize for the lack of class that facebook messenger has. 

A part of my heart still belongs to you and always will. We fell in love quickly and with unfortunate timing. I am past the stage of wanting and needing to know why we broke up. That upset me for a very long time because I couldn't understand it. All I know is that it hurt me seeing things on facebook about you moving on. I don't fault you for any of those things, it just re-opens my wounds every time I see them. 

You promised you wouldn't delete me off facebook without letting me know, but I understand you probably did it because you felt enough time had passed and you have a new relationship. To give you the benefit of the doubt, perhaps it was because you didn't want to hurt me anymore. You had the guts to do something that I had been trying to do for a long time now (I've literally had this email in draft form for a couple of months now).

Maybe someday we could talk again, I want to be happy for you instead of hurt and bitter. Jealousy was never a good colour on me. I really truly hope that sometime I too, can move on like you have.
I hope you are doing well.
- Susan
P.S. I know that you once got a letter in the past from an ex-girlfriend and got angry by it. I needed to send this letter a long time ago to help with my closure but kept putting it off. I don't expect anything from you by sending this, I just hope that you read it.

Turns out because of FB messenger, I saw that he "read it". I really wish I didn't know that he read it and then chose not to respond. Fuck. I hate hate hate how awful I feel right now. Almost a year later, you'd think I would have been better by now. 

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