He cut the cord.

Well. He did it first. He deleted me off facebook and put the final nail in the history that was us. He changed his profile picture and cover picture to him and his new girlfriend (honestly, who puts it as BOTH pictures, ugh). I had a massive panic, crying attack when it happened. My neck started to get warm, my breath increased, but I still couldnt' stop looking at it. At how happy he was now.

I wasn't as upset with the actual act of him deleting me as I thought I would be. It was more along the vein of anger... in that he had moved on, was happy and didn't give two shits about me. AND I DIDN"T DO IT FIRST. I am KICKING myself for not sending that email to him and deleting him first. Like always, he has the power in this relationship.... even when it is no longer a relationship.

So, I decided to modify my email and send it to him anyways. I needed to say SOMETHING.Problem was.... the emails I had for him are no longer in USE. WTF. So instead, I had to choose the LOWEST form of communication... facebook message.... even though he had deleted me, I could still send him a message. This is what I wrote:

It has been a very long time since we last talked. That has not been because I haven't wanted to, but because I know that distance is better for healing and since so much time had passed, I didn't know where to begin. I wanted to send this in an email, but I do not have your current email address. I apologize for the lack of class that facebook messenger has. 

A part of my heart still belongs to you and always will. We fell in love quickly and with unfortunate timing. I am past the stage of wanting and needing to know why we broke up. That upset me for a very long time because I couldn't understand it. All I know is that it hurt me seeing things on facebook about you moving on. I don't fault you for any of those things, it just re-opens my wounds every time I see them. 

You promised you wouldn't delete me off facebook without letting me know, but I understand you probably did it because you felt enough time had passed and you have a new relationship. To give you the benefit of the doubt, perhaps it was because you didn't want to hurt me anymore. You had the guts to do something that I had been trying to do for a long time now (I've literally had this email in draft form for a couple of months now).

Maybe someday we could talk again, I want to be happy for you instead of hurt and bitter. Jealousy was never a good colour on me. I really truly hope that sometime I too, can move on like you have.
I hope you are doing well.
- Susan
P.S. I know that you once got a letter in the past from an ex-girlfriend and got angry by it. I needed to send this letter a long time ago to help with my closure but kept putting it off. I don't expect anything from you by sending this, I just hope that you read it.

Turns out because of FB messenger, I saw that he "read it". I really wish I didn't know that he read it and then chose not to respond. Fuck. I hate hate hate how awful I feel right now. Almost a year later, you'd think I would have been better by now. 

Losing direction

I hate not knowing what I will be doing with my life. Everything seems hazy and unsure. Do I keep trying to get a teaching job in Toronto? Do I follow my passion for travel and actually take the big leap of moving to Australia by myself "sometime next year"? How would I pay for it? Will it just make my return that much harder? I already took two years off in England and when I came back, I had to live with my parents... I am two years behind financially than all my peers. So is moving abroad again just going to continue this tend? I just dont feel like i love what i am doing right now. When i travel, I love that. I feel alive. But right now, I feel like I've lost my direction.

Sincerely yours,
my fucked up lying in bed thoughts.

Little steps

Little steps lead to bigger strides which lead to leaps and bounds farther than you thought you could ever come.

I have not deleted Dr X off Facebook yet nor have I sent him that message. But I am okay with that right now.

I had a minor setback one night on his birthday (where was I a year ago? Celebrating his birthday with him in Nova Scotia) but it lasted a night, not a whole day. That is a baby step that I am proud of.

Another step I am proud of is that I have been seeing my therapist on a bi monthly instead of weekly basis. When I suggested this to her, she said she was happy when patients suggest that because it shows they are improving.

I am also slowly decreasing my meds to half a pill instead of a full one in hopes that I can decrease even more as time goes on. I had to go really slow for the first bit because I was starting to feel upset again, but I think I've evened out now. I'll stay on the .5 for about a month and then see how I'm doing.

Another step is becoming more involved in extra curriculars. I volunteered for the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) and it kept me super busy. I would have loved volunteering with someone I knew but it did force me to talk to new people and while I didn't make any long term friends, it was really nice to meet people with similar film interests (none of my current circle of friends really care at all about cinema). I am going to try and continue volunteering there during the rest of the year. Maybe I could look into a film study group?

Dr X; the fact that I still live at home; don't have a full time job in my career; and am not enjoying being single (I wish I could just enjoy it and date people!) are always in my mind.... But these steps I am taking will hopefully lead to those bigger strides.

His Ghost

Holy Shit. Nail on the fuckin head. "You Don't Miss Him. You Miss The Idea of Who You Wanted Him To Be" http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2012/08/08/you-dont-miss-him/

I just read this article and it echos what I think. I talked to my therapist last night about how hard it seems for me to replace Dr X. She suggested that I need to replace him with somoene new, that I'm at the point where I should start dating, or at least casually looking around to. But I. am. terrified.

Terrifed of two things: One is that I will get hurt again. Hurt badly. It took me so long / still is taking me forever to get over Dr. X. Its so hard to be confident in myself and take a risk. The second thing is: I'm terrifed that no one will match up to Dr X in my head. No one will look as attractive as he did (his hair, his smile, his build) nor have a personality that makes me swoon (made me feel like I was the only person in the world, made me laugh, etc).

Now the first thing, will just take time. I have to get over my fear eventually. I have to take BABY steps. I want to meet new people, new guys, but I am terrifed of dating anyone.I don't want things to be serious right away, but I over think things and tend to be a serious person. How do I date someone without going crazy or overthinknig something!? I don't want to hurt that person by not being serious... I am equally afraid of hurting someone else like Dr. X hurt me.

The second thing, well.... like Yashir's article said: He's a ghost.

Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.

I have to remind myself of the hurt. Of why yes, he had positive qualities, but he also had a lot of negative ones. He was passionate about his work (yay! And its NOT a job involving business or finance and he makes a difference in other peoples lives) yet he chose his work over me time and time again (moving to Nova Scotia; forgetting to call me; stressing out). He seemed dependable (I could call him when I was upset) yet he cheated on his first girlfriend with me...  He was hilarious yet his laugh was kinda annoying at points. All these things, I tend to focus on the good things as opposed to the bad...

I'm not there yet. It's taking baby steps, slower than I would have hoped... But at least I'm acknowledging I do this, now.

Facebook, the devil.

 I saw on his facebook that he is in a new relationship and it re-opened everything. I think I am almost at the point where I will delete him. I know that everyone says I should have deleted him earlier but I wasn't able to... yet. I will get there. If I am truthfully honest, I wanted to keep him as a friend so that he could see that I was having fun and he would get jealous and want me back. That he could see what he was missing. But it backfired on me and instead, that is what I saw on his page.

Here is my potential letter to him if I decide to delete him off facebook. I don't want to just delete him without saying anything.....

It has been almost six months since we last talked. That has not been because I haven't wanted to, but because I knew you didn't want me to.

I am past the stage of wanting and needing to know why. Of trying to figure out how I could have changed things, how if I had tried harder and not been so jealous, or of why you didn't love me anymore.

A huge part of my heart still belongs to you and always will. We fell in love quickly and with unfortunate timing. But despite everything, I still love you and always will. As cheesy as this may sound, but if somewhere in our futures we meet again, maybe it will be right then.

All I know is that it is killing me seeing things on facebook about you moving on. Getting a new job in Halifax when you were so adamant about not leaving the one you had in the fall. Getting into a new relationship when I am still trying to imagine you not in my life. I don't fault you for any of those things, it just re opens my wounds every time I see them. So right now in order to help me heal, I am going to have to delete you off facebook. I didn't want to just delete you and be done with it. I don't think you deserve that. I hope that in a few more months, I can re-add you. That it won't hurt as much to see you in a new relationship or with pictures of her or whatever. I really truly hope that I can get to the spot you are at. Where you don't think of me or seem upset about us at all and have moved on.

I love you and hope you are doing well.

An eraser please...

Im having a hard time tonight. It's one of those nights where every little thing morphs into a huge deal and the one idea that is playing a freaking marching ban symphony in my head right now? That I will never talk to Dr X again.

I will never truly know what is going on in his life (you can only gather and then catastrophise so much from Facebook stalking). Conversely, he will never know what's going on in mine. I didn't get to call him up and share the excitement / fear of starting a new job. I don't get to hear about his dog, or his brother, or if he ever did work at the ski hill this winter.

It's been too long since we last talked (last text: January 3 2012) so I can't drop him a casual email, plus I'm not even sure I am healed enough.

Then my mind jumps to the question, how do I get there? Is the reason I am holding on to him because I still love him? Would I take him back a second time I I ever had the chance. The answers to those questions just make me feel like I haven't made any progress.

How can I erase him like he has erased me?

Kick in the throat

I have been doing much better. I got a haircut, my meds are working, I've started a new jobs, make more plans with my friends, and even developing (dare I say it) a little crush on someone. Then BAM! My throat swells up, my heart beat races and I feel like I did back in December. For me, panic attacks don't just pounce. They creep up quickly. They start with my body tensing up. Then I begin to hold my breath. Then my pulse races. Then I panic and it seems that I can't calm down. Then the tears come. Hard, fast, intense.

I looked on Dr. X's facebook. Yes, I still have him on there. Even though I have blocked him so that he doesn't pop up in chat or on my newsfeed, I know that it is just self-inflicted torture to keep him on there. However, I just don't feel like I'm strong enough to delete him totally from my life. I will get there and I am getting there... just not yet. I haven't really been upset about him for a few weeks now, so I thought I was in the clear.

Then today I saw that he has a new page advertising his new chiropractic clinic. Well... great for him. Then I see that it is not in the small town that he was originally working in but in a city. Wait, what?

Dr. X has been canvassing this small town clinic for four years before he graduated. He made connections and was guaranteed a job there when he graduated. THAT was the reason why he left Ontario he said. That was the reason why he did not pursue a job where I was living. When I was debating moving to his province, he said that even if I moved there, I wanted to live in the city while he worked/lived in the country and ti would still be long distance and hard. ...BUT NOW HE MOVED TO THE CITY ANYWAYS.

I feel like someone punched me in the throat when I saw that. He didn't even stay at that small town clinic for more than six months after he started. Its just more evidence that I wasn't that important, that he really was all talk and no action. He said he HAD to stay in that small town.... but if he left less than six months later, clearly it wasn't THAT imperative that he stay there. He could have come back to Toronto. He could have made more of an effort to be with me.

It fucking still hurts. I thought I was getting so much better and it STILL FUCKING hurts.