Friday, February 3, 2012

The breakup.

I feel it only right to give you a solid background as to why I am feeling so miserable as of late. It all kick started with a break up that left me confused, hurt, and in all essence broken.

I am a hopeless romantic and still was when I met Dr X in August 2010. For anonymity sake, lets call him that as he is a chiropractor and telling you his real name makes me feel uncomfortable. I believed in love at first sight, happy endings and that love can fix everything. This mentality was my downfall, for I met him at a most inopportune time, a time when he was already in a relationship with someone else. Most happy, healthy people would have gone running in the opposite direction, but I seem to lack that common sense. He made me feel desired, special and had a knack for making me melt into a pile of giggling goo. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I got so high from aromas of love that I refused to listen to my friends and family’s disapproval.

We continued this for a few months until it got to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore. My self-esteem was taking a hit and reality began to take over. Why didn’t he want me and only me? We went on a romantic weekend away to Niagara Falls! All his excuses of how he didn’t know how to tell her or how he could hurt her fell flat on the floor. He was already hurting her by being with me. He told me he loved me! What was so hard? True love is supposed to be true. None of this sneaking around bullshit! So I made him choose and surprise, surprise, the “he’s going to break your heart” dogmas that my friends had been sprouting since the summer, came true. It broke my heart.

I won’t get into the mental hell that heartbreak entails. The questions of why you weren’t good enough, what you could have done differently and the pure shock of it all is enough to rock even the strongest wills. I thought he was going to leave her for me. I didn’t understand why he didn’t fight for us. How he couldn’t feel as strongly as I did. Did he not fall in love at first sight too?

I wish I could say that I became a stronger person because of that experience. He ruined my Christmas and turned me into a skinny, unsure, blubbering shell of my former self. But two months later, he came back. He came back with answers to the questions I had been pondering the past few months and I decided to give him a second chance. After all, with true love, you have to be conciliatory right?

We went through our ups and downs the next six months. I left to go to England for some head space and employment, he stayed behind in Canada to finish his schooling. He even came to visit me in London and when I returned to my homeland, I went out east to meet his parents. I was able to look past all the heartache, mistrust and tears because all I could see was so much potential. He would be a great father one day; he wanted to marry me; he was going to be a successful doctor; he had times where he made me feel so special and loved.

But, the fights ended up being too much for him. I am someone who speaks her mind when she is upset and I was upset a lot. I became too demanding and he became too inattentive. The long distance tore him apart. He said that our relationship was based too much on trying to do things. Him trying to win me over, me trying to win him over. We were never just “being”. But I didn’t understand how we could just “be” if we were living in different places? We got away from the trying to make each other smile and laugh to the constant serious talks and it was too hard for him. I heard these things and agreed, I was willing to work on my faults to make us stronger and better. He is someone who doesn't like confrontation so he never made me think that he was serious about ending things if we didn't "change" things. So I argued for change. I wanted to try. He didn't. He gave up. All those promises of him changing, of how he was a better person now and loved me so much fell out of the window. He was so calm and sure of himself. Meanwhile, I couldn’t breathe. The love of my life no longer loved me. One night, almost a year since the last time he broke my heart, he did it again.

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