Sunday, February 5, 2012

Glimpses of clarity

This weekend wasn't as bad as I had feared. Clearly it was a lot of my anxiety more than anything. I was so worried that I would be down and depressed all weekend and take away from the excitement of winning a prize and having a weekend away where I could learn a new skill.

My friend who I went with was great. Cheerful but not too wild. She has been with me the whole time I have been struggling through this and it was nice to sometimes just be silent or say "I'm a little sad" right now and she would understand. Reading the two comments on my blog the first night I was up there was really helpful too. Thank you to Santana & Sir_Prizes, your comments made me feel connected and that there really is something useful to be gained about sharing my struggles with others.

As fearful as I was about going skiing and having everything there remind me of him, there were a few times where he didn't cross my mind at all.Or at least, I was distracted enough to not let him in there. I had glimpses of what my old life used to be like, when I wasn't going through depression. When I was actually learning skiing: how to turn, slow down, walk sideways up a hill... I didn't think of him once. I focused my energy on run after run of the bunny hill. It was tiring and motivating. We even tried the "easy" hill (not so easy!). Surprisingly, I didn't think of him once.

But then...I'd see a ski ranger (he used to be one out West) or a ski competition (he used to compete in them), or a couple holding hands (we used to be that)... and my inner resolve dissolved in a poof! I didn't outwardly cry but a glumness seemed to descend on me.

But... for those moments where I didn't think of him or of how miserable I feel a lot of the time, it was actually pretty nice.

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