Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Lean on Me... Except when I'm struggling to stand

I feel like the worst hypocrite ever.

I lean on my friends all the time for support and I am always there for them. I strongly value dependability in my friendships. One friend of mine in particular, B, has been with me since DAY 1 of my dark times (that catch phrase has a nice ring to it, no?). He lives in a different province and we met when I was living abroad in England. We communicate via fb and phone but haven't seen each other in person in a year and a bit. Anyways, he is/was also going through a tough time in his life. He got out of a messed up relationship and had work troubles. I have always been fine with counseling him when he counsels me. But the past few times? I really don't want to.

I want to be selfish. It's horrible. I don't want to talk him up and cheer him up about how great he is. Its so hypocritical because *I* want people to do that to me!!!! In the end, I do cheer him up and talk to him when he needs me but I just feel so lousy after it. Like it brings up all my insecurities and depression issues whenever we talk. I find him helpful when I'm upset, but yet when he tells me the same things I tell him, I get fed up. And to top it off, he always says he feels bad for "dumping" it all on me. :(

Now I'm stuck. I do want to help him and be there for him, but I don't want to get annoyed. How do I do that? How am I there for someone when I can barely be there for myself?

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